Oral sex in a Christian marriage is often a source of conflict — but it doesn’t have to be.

In our years as Christian marriage counselors, we spoke to many married couples, young and old, who were conflicted about how their desire for sexual expression fit with their faith. Some couples both desired to pleasure (and be pleasured by) their partners orally, but were concerned that doing so would be a sin in God’s eyes. Even more common was one partner who desired oral play, but another who most certainly did not — usually because because they felt it was an un-Christian act.

Issues With Oral Sex

In today’s permissive sexual environment, oral sex is often represented as vulgar. Pornography in particular has portrayed oral sex as something dirty. Young girls (and even some young boys) often grow up with the notion that oral sex is something only ‘bad’ girls do.

And unfortunately, this attitude has crept in to some religious thought as well. Another issue is that sometimes, oral sex is used as a loophole to get around pre-marital sex. After all, it’s not intercourse, right? So young people are warned not to partake in oral sex…and often, get very confused about whether or not it’s ok within a marriage as well.

The other issues we saw most often with couples were that oral sex is un-natural and unclean. They were squeamish about putting their mouth ‘down there’ . Women in particular were worried that their vaginal area was unsanitary.

The Bible, unfortunately, doesn’t offer specific guidance on oral sex or explicit instruction on what sexual acts are ok within a marriage. We can, however, turn to other scriptural principles and see if they offer any guidance.

1 Corinthians 7 3:5

Let the husband render unto the wife her due: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power over her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power over his own body, but the wife.

Here, we see the principle that a husband and wife are to give themselves physically to one another — that we offer our bodies to one another in marriage for pleasure and enjoyment. That doesn’t mean that we have to do whatever our partner wants, especially if we don’t desire it…but it does reinforce the idea that between a husband and wife, sexual exploration is not only safe and loving, but sanctioned by God.

Song Of Solomon 4:16, 5:1

¹⁶Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south;
Blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out.
Let my beloved come into his garden,
And eat his precious fruits.

¹I am come into my garden, my sister, [my] bride:
I have gathered my myrrh with my spice;
I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey;
I have drunk my wine with my milk.
Eat, O friends;
Drink, yea, drink abundantly, O beloved.

Ahhh, Song of Solomon. The sexiest Scripture around! And perhaps the best clue that sexuality between married couples is celebrated by God. Here, the lovers continually talk abut the delights of each others’ bodies, and these verses in particular rejoice in the eating, drinking and tasting of one another. It’s a wonderfully poetic, sensuous passage and, in our minds, reflects the poetic, sensuous joy that lovers who are truly connected to one another, body and soul, are meant to enjoy.

Is Oral Sex A Sin?

The short answer: No! Absolutely not. Nope, nope, nope.

It is natural and wonderful to want to share yourself fully and completely with your spouse, and to experience them fully as well. Within a marriage, oral sex is a gift you both give and receive from your soul mate…it is given in selfless love, and should be received with gratitude and tender appreciation.

God is the author of our love, and that includes our sexual expression. If God exists in our embraces, our kisses, our loving words, He also exists in our lovemaking…and He designed all of the parts of our body as being capable of giving and receiving pleasure.

The Real Issue With Oral

Our couples who struggled with oral sex often came to us with faith-based concerns…and it usually turned out that religious issues were merely hiding their real feelings. The two main fears people have are that they don’t know how to pleasure their partner with oral sex; and the fear that their genitals were unclean and/or embarrassing.

If you feel this way, remember: God made ALL of you, including your genitals! And He made them perfect, as perfect as your eyes, your heart, your smile. If cleanliness is the only thing holding you back from enjoying oral sex with your spouse, there’s an easy solution…take a shower! Preferably together.

If you’re like most people and it’s technique that’s holding you back, remember…technique can be learned (and it’s fun to experiment!) There are books for both men and women that can teach you how to pleasure one another. The most important thing, however, is communication — talk to one another about it, pray together about it. Try it out with your partner, and ask them “Does it feel good when I do this? What about this? What feels best?” Create a safe, loving environment to explore one another with open minds and hearts.

And most of all, remember Song of Solomon…the fruits of your garden are precious. Celebrate and drink of them abundantly with your beloved.